Worthless

worth·less

without worth;  of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing: a worthless person; a worthless contract.

 

I'm struggling with feelings of worthlessness lately.  I've never been the cocky type, but I've never felt worthless either.  I've always been secure in the fact that I'm a caring, compassionate person.  I've always loved the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and never looked at it as a bad thing.  I'm fiercely independent, hardworking, and very goal oriented.  I refuse to settle.  I care about my physical appearance, but not to the point that I can't leave the house without makeup on or in a t-shirt and jeans.  

 

But this whole situation that I'm going through has me really questioning all of those qualities.  My husband cheated on me with a 26 year old girl who is twice my size.  She flunked out of college, and works in retail.  What does a girl like that have that I don't?  I know that they say cheating is rarely about what the other person has over you, but I can't help but wonder why my  husband was willing to give up our lives for someone like that.  I hate knowing who the "other woman" was.  Knowing what I know about her, just makes me feel like I'm completely worthless...

 

And what makes it worse is that 4 years ago I was struggling with these same feelings...at the expense of the same stupid boy.  

 

Written Summer 2007:

Whenever a "relationship" ends, I typically try to "reinvent" myself.  I'm going through a really bad breakup right now, and I can't help but wonder why we feel like we need to change who we are after a breakup?  I know that break-ups can destroy our confidence, but we shouldn't feel like we have to completely reinvent ourselves because of it!

 

I know that I feel like I need to change my look because it's something that I feel like I can control.  When you go through a breakup with someone, you feel like you can't help the way that your heart is feeling.  You feel like you can't control the pain, you can't control the desire to get them back, or how the other person is feeling...but you can cut your hair, change the color, wear your makeup differently, and buy a different style of clothes.

...But we can control the other things.  No, we can't control our heartbreaking-but we have a choice to let the heartbreak ruin us, or to stand up and fight for our happiness!  I'm not saying that we shouldn't be sad, because if your heart really is broken you're not going to be able to help that.  Be sad, miss the guy, and then choose to pick yourself up and begin to move on.

It's so easy for us to allow ourselves to feel worthless when going through a breakup..."what's wrong with me." "how come nobody wants me," "nobody has ever made me feel that way, what if nobody else will," "he was the perfect guy for me."

Why don't we try to think positive thoughts?  "If things with him felt so amazing, how much better is it going to feel with its with a guy that truly values me?"  "Thank God he let me go, now I'm here when a man that can treat me right comes along!"  "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't realize how great I am."  Or how about this one, "I'm a great girl, a GREAT CATCH!  Somewhere out there is the guy who knows it, will show it, and will appreciate me, for me!"

I don't want to feel worthless anymore.  I don't want to find my self worth in a man anymore.  I love who I am, imperfections and all.  I love that I give people third, and fourth, and fifth chances because I truly believe that people can change.  I enjoy giving of myself to those in my life that need me.  I love that I am a self sufficient person.  I love that I set goals for myself, and do whatever it takes to achieve them.  I love that I constantly strive to have more, to be better.  I'm done allowing myself to feel worthless because my husband cheated on me with a big girl, who appears to be heading nowhere good.  The woman that my husband cheated with does not reflect on who I am as a person.  My husband cheating shows his character, not mine.