Worthless

worth·less

without worth;  of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing: a worthless person; a worthless contract.

 

I'm struggling with feelings of worthlessness lately.  I've never been the cocky type, but I've never felt worthless either.  I've always been secure in the fact that I'm a caring, compassionate person.  I've always loved the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and never looked at it as a bad thing.  I'm fiercely independent, hardworking, and very goal oriented.  I refuse to settle.  I care about my physical appearance, but not to the point that I can't leave the house without makeup on or in a t-shirt and jeans.  

 

But this whole situation that I'm going through has me really questioning all of those qualities.  My husband cheated on me with a 26 year old girl who is twice my size.  She flunked out of college, and works in retail.  What does a girl like that have that I don't?  I know that they say cheating is rarely about what the other person has over you, but I can't help but wonder why my  husband was willing to give up our lives for someone like that.  I hate knowing who the "other woman" was.  Knowing what I know about her, just makes me feel like I'm completely worthless...

 

And what makes it worse is that 4 years ago I was struggling with these same feelings...at the expense of the same stupid boy.  

 

Written Summer 2007:

Whenever a "relationship" ends, I typically try to "reinvent" myself.  I'm going through a really bad breakup right now, and I can't help but wonder why we feel like we need to change who we are after a breakup?  I know that break-ups can destroy our confidence, but we shouldn't feel like we have to completely reinvent ourselves because of it!

 

I know that I feel like I need to change my look because it's something that I feel like I can control.  When you go through a breakup with someone, you feel like you can't help the way that your heart is feeling.  You feel like you can't control the pain, you can't control the desire to get them back, or how the other person is feeling...but you can cut your hair, change the color, wear your makeup differently, and buy a different style of clothes.

...But we can control the other things.  No, we can't control our heartbreaking-but we have a choice to let the heartbreak ruin us, or to stand up and fight for our happiness!  I'm not saying that we shouldn't be sad, because if your heart really is broken you're not going to be able to help that.  Be sad, miss the guy, and then choose to pick yourself up and begin to move on.

It's so easy for us to allow ourselves to feel worthless when going through a breakup..."what's wrong with me." "how come nobody wants me," "nobody has ever made me feel that way, what if nobody else will," "he was the perfect guy for me."

Why don't we try to think positive thoughts?  "If things with him felt so amazing, how much better is it going to feel with its with a guy that truly values me?"  "Thank God he let me go, now I'm here when a man that can treat me right comes along!"  "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't realize how great I am."  Or how about this one, "I'm a great girl, a GREAT CATCH!  Somewhere out there is the guy who knows it, will show it, and will appreciate me, for me!"

I don't want to feel worthless anymore.  I don't want to find my self worth in a man anymore.  I love who I am, imperfections and all.  I love that I give people third, and fourth, and fifth chances because I truly believe that people can change.  I enjoy giving of myself to those in my life that need me.  I love that I am a self sufficient person.  I love that I set goals for myself, and do whatever it takes to achieve them.  I love that I constantly strive to have more, to be better.  I'm done allowing myself to feel worthless because my husband cheated on me with a big girl, who appears to be heading nowhere good.  The woman that my husband cheated with does not reflect on who I am as a person.  My husband cheating shows his character, not mine.

 

4. Run a Half Marathon

Today I decided to jump in and start training for a half marathon.  When I ran my first 5k last year, I knew exactly what race I was training for.  I grew up in dance class, and was never much of a runner.  To me, running was very boring.  I was on a dance team, so doing something that is so isolated just never appealed to me.  A few years ago, I started running with the guy that I was dating and realized that running didn't have to be something that you do solo.  We never ran far, just kind of enough to get some cardio in during a workout.  Last year I decided to run the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure (raising money for breast cancer is very near and dear to my heart).  I decided to do the race about 4 weeks out, so my goal was just to finish the race (although I had secretly hoped to at least finish in less than 40 minutes).  I crossed the finish in right about 38 minutes.  I kicked ass, finishing the first 1.5 miles in just over 15 minutes...but then hit a steep hill and couldn't keep the pace.  I ended up being a bit disappointed in myself...so I'm going at this half marathon a different way. 

I downloaded an app on my phone to help me through the training.  It is a 12 week program that guides me through how long my runs should be each day, and what days I should rest on.  It also throws some cross training days in there as well.  I'm not going to look for a half marathon to run in until I get half way through this training to make sure that I can keep up with it.  I want to have a realistic goal in mind for how fast I would like to finish the race in, and actually accomplish that goal.

The one main concern I have with being able to cross this off of my 30 by 30 list is my knee.  I had knee surgery when I was 14, and was told that I was going to have to make a decision to live a less active lifestyle or deal with severe knee pain and several more surgeries.  I decreased my level of activity back then (gave up softball, and just danced).  I only ran 15 minutes today, and it killed my knee.  I guess rest days, and ice and heat are going to be valuable to me completing this goal!

So:  Week 1, Day 1 Recap:
5 minute Warm Up, 15 Minute Jog, 5 Minute Cool Down
Total Time:  25 Minutes
Total Distance:  1.9 Miles

30 by 30

30 by 30.  A list of 30 things that I would like to do/accomplish/complete by the time I turn 30.  Some of them are about finding confidence, some are about letting go of control, some are facing fears, and some are about having fun.  So...here they are:

30 By 30

1.  Buy a ridiculously expensive pair of shoes (the highest, cutest heels I can find)

2.  Go skydiving

3.  Vegas

4.  Run a Half Marathon

5.  Find the perfect little black dress

6.  See a Broadway show (on Broadway)

7.  Learn to drive a stick shift

8.  Start –and finish- a bible study

9.  Work on a habitat house

10.  Learn to surf

11.  Climb a mountain

12.  Take a pole dancing class (they say its an amazing workout :)

13.  Buy a pink gun (what, I AM a girl!)

14.  Go on a trip somewhere, with no plan

15.  Finally get those six pack abs

16.  Hit on the hottest guy in the bar

17.  Run out of gas

18.  Write MY story

19.  Turn off my phone for 24 hours

20.  Make fire without matches

21.  Send a message in a bottle

22.  Take my baby sister to Disney

23.  See Celine Dion in concert

24.  Go to Tiffany’s in Hollywood

25.  Bungee Jumping

26.  Eat the worm

27.  Reunite with an old friend

28.  Make it one month without buying any new clothes

29.  Leave my mark in Graffiti

30.  Join the mile high club (sorry Mom!)

31.  Forgive.

The Nights Are So Lonely

I usually get through the day just fine.  I'm lucky enough to have a job that keeps me pretty busy all day, so my mind just doesn't have time to wander off and think about things.  I'm also very lucky in that I have an amazing boss that keeps me laughing most of the day, so even when I do allow my mind to go to a sad place it doesn't stay there for long.  But then I get home, make some sort of meal (usually a pbj sandwich, because lets face it...cooking for 1 sucks!), sit down on the couch, and finally realize how lonely I am.  I say that one of the best things about being single is being able to sleep diagonally in the bed (it was also one of the things that I loved while the ex was deployed!), but truth is I really miss laying in bed talking about my day before drifting off to sleep.  The nights are just so lonely.

And, as I sit here typing these words I can't help but feel like this is a song...The nights are so lonely, and the days are so hard?  days are so sad?  Dang it!  Now I'm off to google these words and see if I can figure out if I'm now losing my mind, too!

I Want To Talk About Me...

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you, you, you, you, usually, but occasionally
I wanna talk about me
-I Wanna Talk About Me, by Toby Keith


Ok, maybe not necessarily talk about me, but it is time that I make things about me.  Its time to make things about what I think, what I like, what I know, what I WANT!  I'm done being put second, or third, or fourth.  I'm done being told what I think, being told what I deserve.  I'm done being told how I can or should feel, or how I should handle a situation.

It is way past time that I make myself my number one priority.  No more focusing on should I make my marriage work, should I move on.  Before I got married I had a Bucket List of sorts.  It was my 25 before I turn 25.  I think I crossed one or two things off of that list before I "fell in love," and trashed the idea.  I don't remember very many things on the list, but I'm starting a new one...30 Before 30.  I have 14 months to accomplish 30 things that I've always wanted to do.  So....I guess I need to get on this list.  Any suggestions?

Edited to say:

Number 1 on the list?  To buy a ridiculously expensive pair of shoes (the highest, cutest pair of heels I can find!)...and feel no guilt, no matter how much they cost!

Perfection

Toes in the water
Ass in the sand
Not a worry in the world
A cold drink in my hand
Life is good today


Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Quote

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."
-Eleanor Roosevelt


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

"mcdreamy"

I rediscovered some old journals over the weekend, and have been reading them in what little free time I seem to have these days.  I came across this entry (which I wrote in 2006), and thought that it is pretty fitting for how I'm starting to feel.

So one of my friends recently posted a blog with a picture of Meredith and "McDreamy" from Grey's Anatomy asking why a connection like that can't exist in real life; why tv gives us such an idealistic view on love.  When I read her blog I very quickly responded with "because there is no such thing as a "McDreamy!"


Well, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I'm starting to think that maybe there is a "McDreamy" out there for each of us.  Somewhere out there, there's got to be someone that can love us in all of the ways that we need to be loved.  There's that person whose arms we fit so perfectly in.  There's that person that can break down all of our walls without us even knowing what hit us.  Somewhere out there is that one person that we can have that undeniable Meredith/McDreamy connection with...


...But the key to having that connection is to not settle.  Most of us never feel that connection because we settle for the first person to love us, the first person that makes us feel good.  We tell ourselves that the good we feel in that moment is enough.  We forget about all of those things that we deserve, all of those things that we need.  We forget about all of those things that we say we will not settle for.  We're so afraid of never finding someone that we settle for the first time that we feel loved.


So, I think that in order to get this "made for tv chemistry" we have to figure out what it is that we need.  Figure out the qualities that we need in the one that we're going to be with forever, not settle for anything less.  Somewhere out there is someone that can love each of us in all of the right ways...but it's up to us to figure out what those ways are.


And, we have to stop looking for love because we won't find it.  You can't seek out that kind of connection; it is something that just happens.  You can't make yourself fall in love anymore than you can make someone fall in love with you!  Let love find you, let it catch you off guard-because when you just allow it to happen is when you're going to discover that once in a lifetime kind of love...that Meredith/McDreamy, made for tv connection.

I'm Over You

Where there's a cloud, don't mean there's rain
Tears in my eyes, don't mean there's pain
Don't flatter yourself, I'm over you

Things aren't always what they seem
You can't believe everythin’ you read
On my face, I'm over you

You heard I’m drinkin’ more than I should
That I ain't been lookin’ all that good
Someone told you I was takin’ it a rough
Why they makin’ those stories up
When I’m over you

There were times if you'd been around
You’d only see me broken down
But now you won't, I'm over you

So if I seem a little bit cold
It only means you've lost the hold
You had on me, I'm over you

You heard I’m drinkin’ more than I should
That I ain't been lookin’ all that good
Someone told you I was takin’ it a rough
But why they makin’ those stories up
When I’m over you

You heard I’m drinkin’ more than I should
That I ain't been lookin’ all that good
Someone told you I was takin’ it a rough
Why they makin’ those stories up
When I’m over you
Yeah I'm over you
I'm over you

Lyrics to I'm Over You by Chris Young

Ashamed

a·shamed

1.feeling shame; distressed or embarrassed by feelings of guilt, foolishness, or disgrace: 

2. unwilling or restrained because of fear of shame, ridicule, or disapproval:

This morning I am feeling ashamed.  Twice yesterday I admitted that I am going through my second divorce.  Through this whole situation I've chosen my words very carefully, and made sure that I did not use the dreaded "d" word.  But yesterday, I actually said that I am 28 and going through divorce number 2.  I was embarrassed about the first divorce, but I am completely and totally ashamed to be going through the second one.


I also admitted yesterday that I have thought about trying to work things out with a man who cheated on me for the simple fact that I do not want to be divorced again...which I'm a little ashamed of as well.  What kind of life would that be?


I've kept so much of what I'm going through bottled up inside because I'm ashamed.  Two husbands, two divorces due to cheating.  I'm ashamed to admit that.


When will I be able to live my life for myself?  When will I realize that I have nothing to be ashamed of?

What Lies Beneath?

Hello out there!

I'm not really sure what to say here...I created this blog about a week ago, but every time I sit to write something I draw a blank.  I type a few words, delete them, and think maybe tomorrow.  So, today I just decided to jump in!

I guess I'll just start with why I decided to blog.  I'm a twenty-something going through my (gasp!) second divorce.  The only emotion that I've allowed myself to feel the past few months is anger.  A very dear friend suggested that maybe I start blogging as an outlet...so I've decided to take her advice.  I hope for this to be a place where I can figure out what lies beneath all of the anger...